The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 26. ETHICS

THE COUNTER IN ALICES BATHROOM WAS c e very(prenominal) last(predicate) over WITH a thousand different products, every claiming to beautify a persons sur facet. Since e actu altogethery maven in this abode was twain perfective tense and imperme fit, I could simply assume that shed bought most of these things with me in mind. I read the labels numbly, struck by the waste.I was sleep slight never to look in the keen-sighted mirror.Alice combed with my hairsbreadth with a slow, rhythmic motion.Thats enough, Alice, I enunciate tonelessly. I want to go keystone to La Push.How mevery hours had I appreciationed for Charlie to fin onlyy allowance Billys ho do so that I could canvas Jacob? Each minute, non erudite if Jacob was sleek over alert or non, had obtainmed worry ten smelltimes. And whence, when at last Id been allowed to go, to tick off for myself that Jacob was alive, the time had gone so quickly. I felt up the ilk Id b arly caught my breath before A lice was calling Edward, insisting that I accommodate up this ridiculous sleepover faade. It seemed so insignificant. . . .Jacobs placid unconscious, Alice answered. Carlisle or Edward will call when hes awake. Anyway, you select to go see Charlie. He was at that place at Billys house, he maxim that Carlisle and Edward be sand in from their trip, and hes bound to be suspicious when you realize home.I already had my story memorized and corroborated. I dont care. I want to be on that point when Jacob wakes up.You involve to conceive of Charlie this instant. Youve had a long day sorry, I d rise that doesnt begin to cover it settle down that doesnt fuddled that you can mulct your responsibilities. Her voice was near, almost chiding. Its more important now than ever that Charlie rest safely in the dark. Play your role first, Bella, and indeed you can do what you want second. Part of macrocosm a Cullen is being meticulously responsible.Of crinkle she was middl ingly. And if not for this selfsame(prenominal) reason a reason that was more compelling than all my fear and pain and guilt Carlisle would never endure been able to talk me into leaving Jacobs stance, unconscious or not.Go home, Alice ordered. Talk to Charlie. design return let on of the closet your alibi. Keep him safe.I s besidesd, and the blood flowed brush up to my feet, stinging kindred the pricks of a thousand strikeles. Id been sitting put away for a long time.That work is adorable on you, Alice cooed.Huh? Oh. Er thanks again for the clothes, I mumbled disclose of courtesy rather than real gratitude.You need the evidence, Alice express, her look innocent and wide. Whats a shop trip with expose a new outfit? Its very flattering, if I do label so myself.I blinked, unable to remember what shed dressed to kill(p) me in. I couldnt stay on my archetypes from skittering away every few seconds, insects coursening from the light. . . .Jacob is fine, Bella, Al ice utter, easily interpreting my preoccupation. theres no hurry. If you realized how untold extra morphine Carlisle had to ruin him what with his temperature burning it off so quickly you would know that hes vent to be out for a while.At least he wasnt in any pain. Not yet.Is there anything you want to talk active before you leave? Alice imploreed sympathetically. You must be more than a dwarfish traumatized.I knew what she was funny about. further I had other gestures. allow I be alike(p) that? I subscribe toed her, my voice subdued. Like that girl Bree in the meadow?There were many things I needed to mobilise of, but I couldnt seem to get her out of my head, the newborn whose other life was now shortly over. Her face, twisted with desire for my blood, lingered behind my eyelids.Alice stroked my arm. Everyone is different. But something like that, yes.I was very silent, causeing to imagine.It passes, she promised.How soon?She shrugged. A few years, mayhap le ss. It might be different for you. Ive never seen anyone go through this whos chosen it before hit. It should be provoke to see how that affects you.Interesting, I repeated.Well keep you out of overturn.I know that. I religion you. My voice was monotone, dead.Alices forehead puckered. If youre worried about Carlisle and Edward, Im confident(predicate) theyll be fine. I believe Sam is beginning to trust us . . . well, to trust Carlisle, at least. Its a true thing, similarly. I imagine the atmosphere got a little tense when Carlisle had to rebreak the fractures -Please, Alice.Sorry.I took a deep breath to calm myself. Jacob had begun healing too quickly, and some of his bones had set wrong. Hed been out algid for the process, but it was quiesce hard to think about.Alice, can I ask you a question? About the contiguous?She was suddenly wary. You know I dont see everything.Its not that, just now. But you do see my future, sometimes. Why is that, do you think, when nothing els e works on me? Not what Jane can do, or Edward or Aro . . . My sentence trailed off with my interest level. My curiosity on this point was fleeting, heavily overshadowed by more pressing emotions.Alice, however, found the question very interesting. Jasper, too, Bella his giving works on your body tho as well as it does on anyone elses. Thats the contrariety, do you see it? Jaspers abilities affect the body physically. He truly does calm your system bulge out, or excite it. Its not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and conceptions behind the findings that create them. Its outside the mind, not an illusion, either reality, or at least one version of it. But Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri they work inwardly the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesnt mightilyfully hurt your body, you only think you discover it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can afford you there. Its no wonder that Aro was so curious a bout your future abilities.She watched my face to see if I was following her logic. In truth, her words had all started to run together, the syllables and sounds losing their meaning. I couldnt concentrate on them. Still, I nodded. Trying to look like I got it.She wasnt fooled. She stroked my cheek and murmured, Hes pass to be okay, Bella. I dont need a vision to know that. Are you ready to go?One more thing. Can I ask you another question about the future? I dont want specifics, just now an overview.Ill do my best, she say, doubtful again.Can you still see me becoming a vampire?Oh, thats easy. Sure, I do.I nodded slowly.She examined my face, her look unfathomable. Dont you know your own mind, Bella?I do. I just cherished to be sure.Im only as sure as you are, Bella. You know that. If you were to change your mind, what I see would change . . . or disappear, in your human face.I sighed. That isnt going away to happen, though.She retch her arms some me. Im sorry. I cant really empathize. My first memory is of see Jaspers face in my future I perpetually knew that he was where my life was headed. But I can sympathize. Im so sorry you have to spot between two dandy things.I shook off her arms. Dont face sorry for me. There were people who deserved sympathy. I wasnt one of them. And there wasnt any choice to make there was just breaking a good heart to attend to now. Ill go deal with Charlie.I hatch my truck home, where Charlie was postponement just as suspiciously as Alice had expected.Hey, Bella. How was your shopping trip? he greeted me when I walked into the kitchen. He had his arms folded over his chest, his look on my face.Long, I said dully. We just got back.Charlie assessed my mood. I guess you already heard about Jake, then?Yes. The rest of the Cullens beat us home. Esme told us where Carlisle and Edward were.Are you okay?Worried about Jake. As soon as I make dinner, Im going down to La Push.I told you those motorcycles were dangerous. I c onsent this makes you realize that I wasnt befoolding around.I nodded as I started draw things out of the fridge. Charlie settled himself in at the table. He seemed to be in a more talkative mood than usual.I dont think you need to worry about Jake too a good deal. Anyone who can cuss with that frame of nil is going to recover.Jake was awake when you saw him? I asked, spinning to look at him.Oh, yeah, he was awake. You should have heard him actually, its better you didnt. I dont think there was anyone in La Push who couldnt hear him. I dont know where he picked up that vocabulary, but I hope he hasnt been using that kind of language around you.He had a pretty good explain today. How did he look?Messed up. His friends carried him in. Good thing theyre big boys, cause that kids an armful. Carlisle said his the right way thole is broken, and his right arm. Pretty much the whole right side of his body got crushed when he wrecked that damn bike. Charlie shook his head. If I ever hear of you riding again, Bella -No problem there, pappa. You wont. Do you really think Jakes okay?Sure, Bella, dont worry. He was himself enough to tease me.Tease you? I echoed in shock.Yeah in between insulting somebodys mother and victorious the Lords name in vain, he said, Bet youre glad she shafts Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?I turned back to the fridge so that he couldnt see my face.And I couldnt argue. Edwards more mature than Jacob when it comes to your safety, Ill give him that much.Jacobs plenty mature, I muttered defensively. Im sure this wasnt his fault. supernatural day today, Charlie m utilize after a minute. You know, I dont put much song in that superstitious crap, but it was odd. . . . It was like Billy knew something bad was going to happen to Jake. He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning. I dont think he heard anything I said to him.And then, weirder than that remember back in February and March when we had all that trouble with t he wolves?I bent down to get a frying tear apart out of the cupboard, and hid there an extra second or two.Yeah, I mumbled.I hope were not going to have a problem with that again. This morning, we were out in the boat, and Billy wasnt paying any attention to me or the fish, when all of a sudden, you could hear wolves yowling in the woods. More than one, and, boy, was it loud. Sounded like they were right there in the village. Weirdest part was, Billy turned the boat around and headed straight off back to the harbor like they were calling to him personally. Didnt sluice hear me ask what he was doing.The noise s big topped before we got the boat docked. But all of a sudden Billy was in the biggest hurry not to missy the game, though we had hours still. He was mumbling some nonsense about an foregoing showing . . . of a live game? I see you, Bella, it was odd.Well, he found some game he said he wanted to watch, but then he just ignored it. He was on the phone the whole time, call ing Sue, and Emily, and your friend Quils grandpa. Couldnt quite make out what he was feel for he just chatted real casual with them. then(prenominal) the howling started again right outside the house. Ive never heard anything like it I had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy had to shout over the noise if hed been setting traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain.I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didnt notice.Course I forgot all about that till just this minute, cause thats when Jake do it home. One minute it was that wolf yowling, and then you couldnt hear it anymore Jakes cussing drowned it right out. Got a set of lungs on him, that boy does.Charlie paused for a minute, his face thoughtful. jovial that some good should come out of this mess. I didnt think they were ever going to get over that fool prejudice they have against the Cullens down there. But somebody called Carlisle, and Billy was real grateful when he showed up. I thought we should get Jake up to the hospital, but Billy wanted to keep him home, and Carlisle agreed. I guess Carlisle knows whats best.Generous of him to sign up for such a long stretch of house calls.And . . . he paused, as if unwilling to say something. He sighed, and then continued. And Edward was really . . . nice. He seemed as worried about Jacob as you are like that was his brother lying there. The look in his eye . . . Charlie shook his head. Hes a decent guy, Bella. Ill try to remember that. No promises, though. He grinned at me.I wont hold you to it, I mumbled.Charlie stretched his legs and groaned. Its nice to be home. You wouldnt believe how crowded Billys little place gets. S veritable(a) of Jakes friends all squished themselves into that little front populate I could hardly breathe. Have you ever discover how big those Quileute kids all are?Yeah, I have.Charlie stared at me, his eyes suddenly more focused. Really, Bella, Carlisle said Jake will be up and ar ound in no time. Said it looked a lot worse than it was. Hes going to be fine.I just nodded.Jacob had looked so . . . foreignly fragile when Id speed down to see him as soon as Charlie had go away. Hed had braces everywhere Carlisle said there was no point in plaster, as fast as he was healing. His face had been pale and drawn, deeply unconscious though he was at the time. Breakable. Huge as he was, hed looked very breakable. peradventure that had just been my imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him.If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose.I put Charlies dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the verge.Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?Did I kibosh something? I asked, eyeing his p after-hours.No, no. I just . . . want to ask a favor. Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. Hav e a seat this wont take long.I sit crosswise from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. What do you need, Dad?Heres the gist of it, Bella. Charlie flushed. Maybe Im just sense of touch . . . superstitious after temporary removal out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this . . . hunch. I feel like . . . Im going to lose you soon.Dont be silly, Dad, I mumbled guiltily. You want me to go to school, dont you? bonny promise me one thing.I was hesitant, ready to rescind. Okay . . .Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?Dad . . . , I moaned.Im serious. I wont kick up a fuss. hardly give me some advance notice. forget me a chance to squash you goodbye.Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. This is silly. But, if it makes you happy, . . . I promise.Thanks, Bella, he said. I love you, kid.I love you, too, Dad. I stirred his shoulder joint, and then shoved away from the table. If you need anything, Ill be at Billys.I didnt look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I grumbled to myself all the way to La Push.Carlisles black Mercedes was not in front of Billys house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob unaccompanied. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edwards hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward it had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that do my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I couldnt live without Edward. That fact wasnt going to make this any less painful.I tapped quietly on the front threshold.Come in, Bella, Billy said. The scream of my truck was easy to recognize.I let myself in.Hey, Billy. Is he awake? I asked.He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor unexpended. Go on in. I think hes been waiting for you.I flinched, and then took a deep breath. Thanks.I hesitated at the door to Jacobs room, not sure whethe r to knock. I decided to peek first, hoping coward that I was that maybe hed gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes.I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in.Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, thin look was gone, but only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes.It was hard to look at his face, versed that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time.Thankfully, someone had cover him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the termination of the damage.I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me.Hi, Jake, I murmured.He didnt answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. thusly, with some trend, he rearranged his expression into a slightly galling smile.Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that. He sighed. Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. Fir st I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. and then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove shes as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this. He waved his left field hand toward me where I hesitated by the door.How are you feeling? I mumbled. What a stupid question.A little stoned. Dr. Fang isnt sure how much pain medication I need, so hes going with trial and error. imagine he overdid it.But youre not in pain.No. At least, I cant feel my injuries, he said, smiling mockingly again.I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didnt anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to die?The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried.How about you? he asked, sounding really concerned. Are you okay?Me? I stared at him. Maybe he had taken too many drugs. Why?Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldnt actually hurt you, but I wasnt sure how bad it was going t o be. Ive been going a little macabre with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didnt know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? Im sorry if it was bad. I didnt mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was cerebration Id be there. . . .It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, aspect more and more awkward, until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him.No, no, Jake Im fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasnt mean. I wishHis eyes widened in what looked like horror. What?He wasnt even mad at me he wasnt even mad at you Hes so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. Its not like I dont deserve . . . well, much worse that acquiring yelled at. But he doesnt care. He just wants me to be happy.He wasnt mad? Jacob asked, incredulous.No. He was . . . much too kind.Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly fro wned. Well, damn he growled.Whats wrong, Jake? Does it hurt? My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication.No, he grumbled in a stimulate tone. I cant believe this He didnt give you an ultimatum or anything?Not even close whats wrong with you?He scowled and shook his head. I was sort of numbering on his reaction. Damn it all. Hes better than I thought.The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edwards tribute to Jacobs lack of ethics in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep.Hes not playing any game, Jake, I said quietly.You bet he is. Hes playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what hes doing and I dont. Dont unredeemed me because hes a better manipulator than I am I havent been around long enough to learn all his tricks.He isnt manipulating meYes, he is When are you going to wake up and realize that hes not a perfect as you think he is?At least he didnt be to kill hims elf to make me kiss him, I snapped. As soon as the words were out, I flushed with chagrin. Wait. Pretend that didnt slip out. I swore to myself that I wasnt going to say anything about that.He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. Why not?Because I didnt come here to blessed you for anything.Its true, though, he said evenly. I did do that.I dont care, Jake. Im not mad.He smiled. I dont care, either. I knew youd forgive me, and Im glad I did it. Id do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you do love me. Thats worth something.Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?Dont you think you ought to know how you feel just so that it doesnt take you by surprise someday when its too late and youre a married vampire?I shook my head. No I didnt mean better for me. I meant better for you. Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that Im in love with you? When it doesnt make a difference either way. Would it have bee n better, easier for you, if I never clued in?He took my question as seriously as Id meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. Yes, its better to have you know, hefinally decided. If you hadnt figured it out . . . Id have always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could. He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes.This time I did not could not resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to touch my forehead to his cheek.Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there.Im so sorry, Jake.I always knew this was a long s live. Its not your fault, Bella.Not you, too, I moaned. Please.He pulled away to look at me. What?It is my fault. And Im so sick of being told its not.He grinned. It didnt touch his eyes. You want me to hook you over the coals?Actually . . . I think I do.He pursed his lip s as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a raging scowl.Kissing me back like that was inexcusable. He spit the words at me. If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldnt have been quite so convincing about it.I winced and nodded. Im so sorry.Sorry doesnt make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?I wasnt, I whispered.You should have told me to go die. Thats what you want.No, Jacob, I whimpered, fighting against the develop tears. No Never.Youre not crying? he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched impatiently on the bed.Yeah, I muttered, laughing wobbly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs.He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand.What are you doing? I demanded through the tears. Lie down, you idiot, youll hurt yourself I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with tw o hands.He presented, leaning back with a whiff of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down on the bed, against his good side. I curled up there, trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin. I cant believe youre crying, he mumbled. You know I just said those things because you wanted me to. I didnt mean them. His hand rubbed against my shoulders.I know. I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to ensure myself. How did I end up being the one crying while he did the comforting? Its all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud.Do I get points for making you cry?Sure, Jake. I tried to smile. As many as you want.Dont worry, Bella, honey. Its all going to work out.I dont see how, I muttered.He patted the top of my head. Im going to give in and be good.More games? I wondered, tilting my lift so that I could see his face.Maybe. He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. But Im going to try.I frowned.Dont be so pessimistic, he complained. Give me a little credit.What do you mean by be good?Ill be your friend, Bella, he said quietly. I wont ask for more than that.I think its too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were interpretation something that was written there. Maybe . . . it will have to be a long-distance call friendship.I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasnt looking at my face, fighting against the sobs that threatened to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how. . . .You know that story in the Bible? Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling. The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?Sure. King Solomon.Thats right. King Solomon, he repeated. And he said, cut the kid in half . . . but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it.Yeah, I remember.He looked back at my face. Im not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella.I understood w hat he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I wanted, if I would let him. I was the one who wouldnt leave my claim there. But there was no point in starting line an argument that would only hurt him more.I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldnt impose that on him.We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something I was trying to think of something to say.Can I tell you what the wrap up part is? he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. Do you mind? I am going to be good.Will it help? I whispered.It might. It couldnt hurt.Whats the worst part, then?The worse part is knowing what would have been.What might have been. I sighed.No. Jacob shook his head. Im exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken. . . . He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. If the homo was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic . . .I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul pair off in that world would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world.Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was. twain futures, two soul mates . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldnt be the only one to pay for it. Jacobs pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadnt lost Edward once. If I didnt know what it was like to live without him. I wasnt sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldnt imagine how I would feel without it.Hes like a drug for you, Bella. His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. I see that you cant live without him now. Its too late. But I would have been healthy for you. Not a drug I would have been the air, the sun.The corner of my lecture turned up in a wistful half-smile. I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.He sighed. The clouds I can handle. But I cant fight with an eclipse.I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even. fork me the worst part for you, he whispered.I think that might be a bad idea.Please.I think it will hurt.Please.How could I discard him anything at this point?The worst part . . . I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. The worst part is that I saw the whole thing our wh ole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I cant, and its killing me. Its like Sam and Emily, Jake I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe thats why I was fighting against you so hard.He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly.I knew I shouldnt have told you that.He shook his head slowly. No. Im glad you did. Thank you. He kissed the top of my head, and then he sighed. Ill be good now.I looked up, and he was smiling.So youre going to get married, huh?We dont have to talk about that.Id like to know some of the details. I dont know when Ill talk to you again.I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldnt break, I answered his question.Its not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?Jake nodded. Thats true. Its not such a big thing in comparison.His voice was very calm, very practical . I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under control.Yes. In comparison, I agreed.How long do you have left?That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together. I subdue a groan, imagining what Alice would do.Before or after? he asked quietly.I knew what he meant. After.He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him.Are you scared? he whispered.Yes, I whispered back.What are you afraid of? I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.Lots of things. I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. Ive never been much of a masochist, so Im not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away I dont want him to suffer with me, but I dont think theres any way around it. Theres dealing with Charlie, too, and Rene. . . . And then afterward, I hope Ill be able to control myself soon. Maybe Ill be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out.He looked up with a disapproving expression. Id hamstring any one of my brothers who tried.Thanks.He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. But isnt it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say its too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . . He gulped.No, Im not afraid of that. Silly Jacob dont you know better than to believe vampire stories?He obviously didnt appreciate my attempt at humor.Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end.He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. You know I love you.I know, he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. You know how much I wish it was enough.Yes.Ill always be waiting in the wings, Bella, he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, force sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. Youll always have that spare option if you want it.I made an effort to smile. Until my heart stops beating.He grinned back. You know, I think maybe Id still take you maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink.Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didnt?Ill think it through and get back to you, he said. I might need the bon ton to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I cant phase until he gives the okay it might mess up the way the bones are set. Jacob made a face.Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. Youll get well faster.Sure, sure.I wonder when it will happen, I said. When the right girl is going to catch your eye.Dont get your hopes up, Bella. Jacobs voice was abruptly sour. Though Im sure it would be a relief for you.Maybe, maybe not. I probably wont think shes good enough for you. I wonder how jealous Ill be.That part might be kind of fun, he admitted.Let me know if you want me to come back, and Ill be here, I promised.With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.I leaned in and kissed his face softly. Love you, Jacob.He laughed lightly. Love you more.He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.